harder not smarter

ready

2012-02-27T21:58:00.003-08:00

a few of my future favorite things arrived today.
love
love
LOVE!

lust

2012-02-23T09:32:00.009-08:00

Interesting how a week before my health insurance becomes effective, I cut the shit out of my finger. Damn.

On the plus side, I just put these babies on my road bike and they are totally awesome.

For the record, they are 100% silent and stealthy. They do not squeal one bit. The instruction manual even comes with a warning about their stopping power. Be careful! We had to giggle at that. Oh those Europeans. I love how the barrel adjuster is built into the quick release. I'll probably be nerding out over the beautiful ingenuity of that idea for a long time to come.

I have major bike lust right now. Next up for my road bike is a Chris King bottom bracket, Chris King headset (is there a theme here?) and I'm going to have Jude build me up a Chris King wheelset laced to DT Swiss rims. I said I've always wanted Chris King hubs, but I'm open to suggestions about the rim. She emailed me back within minutes with various suggestions and ideas, so I get the feeling I'll spend next month test riding wheels. Apparently I qualify for special "industry" rates. I feel special. Drop names like coins and hope for the best. Sometimes that's how it works.

Oh, and a new groupset as well. Just in time for summer and epic rides (with health insurance). Xrays now will only cost me $15. Is it terrible I'm excited about that? I immediately messaged my chiropractor/mountain biking buddy about that.

"Can you believe it? No deductible. $15.. good for just in case."

Hopefully that will be the case and I won't need xrays again any time soon. In the meantime, I'm rebuilding myself and my bikes from the ground up and feeling really good about it. Bikes!!! YES.

On the "someday" list? Why not now? :)

the truth comes out

2012-02-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

It's always interesting how things play out and unfold over time. I think something I do more than anything and don't necessarily talk about much is play music. I've been extremely musically active lately, moreso than usual. The last few months, I've been working quite a bit with the folks over at David Kerr who have been gracious and kind and let me play whatever I want in their store. A few months ago I had my very old violin refurbished with them and then after trying out half a dozen cellos and bows, I took one home with me.

I remember watching them take apart my violin like an anxious parent as I chewed my fingers off with anxiety. I remember seeing the finished product and hearing the first little pluck of the delicate handmade strings I picked out from Austria that filled the store with sound and him saying, it sounds quite good, and the real sound with the bow nearly knocking me off my feet. I guess I don't talk about music much because I totally lost myself in it a long time ago.

However, some strings can be a little loud and I've never been fond of mutes, so around the age of 16 right before moving to Taiwan, I decided to bring an acoustic guitar with me as a more versatile instrument just in case I couldn't get a cello right away, not knowing then I would have two cellos, one at home and one at school within the first week of arriving in Taiwan. I was preparing to record for various music schools around the world and couldn't be without strings for more than a day, so guitar was supposed to be kind of a temporary flirtation for the interim, but even as I lugged my first acoustic guitar halfway around the world, I was adamant about one thing:

I am not a guitar player.

It was like my dirty little closeted secret or something.. Like vegetarians who eat bacon sometimes. The cello and I have always been old friends. We can take long breaks and always come back to where we left off. The first time I played a cello it was like we had fused together and I had always known how to play cello. I will never forget that afternoon. The first time I played a guitar I was kind of like, what the fuck. This thing is awkward. I don't really... wait, what was that squeak?! Why did you make that sound?!!

We didn't hit it off.

It was not love at first sound.

I think it knew I was an elitest classical musician. No one likes to be second best. In this case, I already knew a bunch of other instruments, so guitar was at the very bottom of the barrel.

I was NOT a guitar player.

But slowly, oh so slowly, we started to hang out, mostly through times of extreme fatigue where I didn't feel like sitting up straight to play the cello. Through times of jet lag, weird international time changes, after nightmares, early in the morning, on windy days.. when it was raining.. slowly.. I started to call guitar during the daylight hours. Gradually we crept out of the closet. Downstairs. Outside. Inside. Around people.

Them: Silence.
Me: Why is it so quiet? Keep talking!
Them: But really, you're quite good.

I'm not a guitar player dammit.

And then one day. I'm not sure how it happened, but one day that I can't seem to remember right now, I kind of relaxed into it... like I had had a bad day and came home and picked up the guitar as my magical default button and sighed like, "you again?" but by then we weren't strangers anymore. I had come and gone and I'm sorry I didn't take you with me on that last trip and I played all of those other instruments in random countries, but I came back for you, didn't I?

And I kind of left my body for a while in that way that only music does for me as I paused on that thought and really heard the guitar's response for the first time in a long time and it wasn't bad at all or even a little bit bad. We had matured together. No squeaking or coughing or sneezing or whatever it was at first.

I am ~~not~~ a guitar player dammit.

I'm not sure how it happened, but we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes we fall asleep together. Sometimes we spoon. Sometimes I get out all of my instruments which are a lot these days and we have a raging party. However, as much as we've bonded, lately I've discovered some limitations. That harmonic isn't quite what I would like it to be. When I tune that string way down, there's a little buzz of discontent. Come on, don't be like that. The truth is you don't really fit in with my cello. I'm sorry sweety. It is what is it. I've been secretly browsing google. Sometimes I leave you at home and wander into music shops. This has been going on for a while.

Listen, I have to tell you something.. there's someone else.

I met her brother about a month ago. We hit it off, but I wasn't a really a fan of that shape. I needed something with a little more curve, so I let it be, but the thought really never left my mind.

Last night I told you I was going to get nachos, but really, I was getting nachos next to the music shop. Of course I had to wander inside, just to look, just to browse, nothing wrong with that, right? But you know me.. the second I stepped inside I was like a little lightning bolt. I know this isn't a good excuse, but I have no control with strings, I really don't. I was getting things down left and right and chatting with the boys until we were all crammed into the practice room and honestly?

Nothing sounded the way you do.

I was almost home free until I looked up, dammit. I looked up into the far right corner and out of the corner of my eye I spied a hint of wild cherry and I'm such a sucker for that shade of red.. wild cherry, silver leaf maple, rosewood. I momentarily lost my breath and that was that.

She's from Canada.. please don't hate me.

There was an instant bond as if we had always known each other all along.. and the truth comes out..

This love is serious.

nostalgia

2012-02-07T05:31:00.000-08:00

I have swim practice in a couple of minutes. I'm not entirely sure how this happened. Last week I went to the pool to announce I didn't want to swim due to road rash.

"Oh! Poor little arm," was the response I received.

I remember surfing with a good size chunk of my pinky missing and D saying,

"Have some whiskey, I'll pour some New Skin on the wound, and then you'll be a man."

He did, I was, we surfed all day. Point taken. No excuses.

I remember much later in the middle of a big running week telling J I always hurt somewhere and him telling me that's how it goes.

Most of the time I feel like "success" is a state of perpetual discomfort.

If that's the case, I'm going to be really successful.

-----

Post swimming:

I LOVE THE WATER!!!

All we did was adjust a few things and now I feel freakishly fast. It's scary. I get to the wall and think,

Oh, here already?

Halfway through, I noticed I was kicking V's butt even though she was wearing flippers and I wasn't.

"I thought you couldn't swim!" she said.

"No way! I love the water! I love surfing and diving!"

"Of course you do! How many mountains have you climbed again? Aren't you thinking of Everest or something?"

Maybe.. Okay, working on it. Watching the sunrise from the water is where I always want to be... or running or cycling or moving my body in some way. Leaving the house this morning in total darkness, I couldn't help but notice how enormous the moon was.

What did Rilke say?

‎"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

I rode to the pool this morning guided by the same yellow moonlight I rode home with last night because it always seems to be dark as I'm coming and going. I remember descending into the darkness on my bike, tucked down into the drops, feeling my shoulders relax and sighed at how good the crisp wind felt against my face and thought of Rumi,

"You knock at the door of Reality. You shake your thought wings, loosen your shoulders, and open."

That one comes to me a lot.

But that was then and this was this morning and I wasn't thinking about anything but the present. I watched the sunrise treading water before diving into the deep end like a fish, thinking of the ocean and missing it and then thinking of Rumi again,

"The men of God are like fishes in the ocean; they pop up into view on the surface here and there and everywhere, as they please."

I remember the morning I was sitting with L and saw that quote tucked away in the shadows scratched out on a tiny piece of paper in her handwriting and I wanted to say it was an accident or coincidental but it wasn't because I somehow felt different after that.

Things are forever changing and evolving. I'm learning how to relax into the changes, but it seems like just as soon as I've come up for a breath of air and a glimpse of the sunrise, I disappear into the unknown once again.

run

2012-02-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

I look out the window at the sun shining down the trees. Time to go. NOW.

Bolting through the trees, down the hill to the trails, completely disappearing and evaporating into the sun's rays, somewhere between flying and dying, all fatigue and soreness, gone.

I've got fresh elbow to wrist road rash, skinned knees, and bruised hips from crashing yesterday, and all I could think was,

JUMP!

Because that's ALWAYS the answer. When in doubt, jump. When you're standing 12 feet above a river somewhere in the jungle in Guam and they say jump, fucking jump. Never ever question it. What's self preservation all about anyways? Tomorrow may never come. There might not be a next time.

I thought about this, balanced precariously on the precipice of everything and nothing, looking up and down and around, thinking,

If this can't hold me, I'm okay with that.

Like something sneaking up behind me giving me a gentle shove between my shoulder blades, pushing me into the unknown.

Sometimes love is like that.

You know you can't win, right? But it's not about that this time..

Come on, I know you want to.

I'm thinking I need to practice parkour running so I can jump between rooftops in Paris. I'm thinking about everything and nothing. I'm slipping and sliding, and I think,

Please don't fall today.

Poor arm.

And then I blink and shake out those thoughts as my legs yell,

GO!

Sometimes I like to run fast if only to remember how good a breath of fresh air feels. Sometimes I like to run fast so that I have more time to sit and do nothing, although nothing is a very relative term. Are we ever really doing nothing? Even my nothing's amount to something. I hope that means everything is going to be okay. Lie to me. Tell me I'm right so I can prove you wrong.

I took some sort of "grit test" yesterday that some very smart person put together. Apparently, I'm a 4.3 out of 5 on the grit scale.

That's what she said.

Anyways. Last weekend I judged Film By Bike (p.s. I'm kind of famous) and it was wonderful and terrible and funny and sad and all of those things. One of the most beautiful films I've seen in a long time was professionally shot to this song. I accidentally discovered the artist right before my run and the second it came on I yelled, "OH MY GOD!" not knowing why I felt this way until I connected it back to the film I had seen. Inspired and overwhelmed, I took off into the trees, not knowing then I might not return the same person that I had left behind somewhere on the trails. Sometimes running does that to me.

p.s. Come to Filmed By Bike! It's April 13-18th. You may see the awkward interview I gave on film. I think in an outtake I've got my nose in a cup of coffee and mumbling about how I want a cookie. I blame the whiskey bribes a few of the entrants sent us.

p.s.s. Thank you. For what? Everything.

new beginnings

2012-01-27T10:29:00.001-08:00

Life is busy and beautiful and I am engaged in a wide variety of projects, accepting opportunities as they come along and it feels good to be so present and aware and constantly moving in more ways than one thanks to two jobs and plenty of adventures.

Life on the run..

Preconceived notions of my own limitations have been shattered and I never really realized the ways in which I was holding myself back until one day complex numbers and software suddenly began to make sense to me and my phone rang and our receptionist said,

"Chelsie, I'm transferring this to you."

And then someone popped their head in my door to deliver some mail and it was another moment in which I realized things aren't as they were, I just have been working so hard I haven't really had time to stop and absorb it until now.

Later, as I was getting back from a run, my iPhone beeped and buzzed, a whistle for text and a beep for emails and my business phone said,

"Hi Chelsie, you have ... NINE... voicemails."

WHAT? How long was I gone for?!

Okay. Deep breath.

I looked past the bike I've always wanted and pieced together little by little and out my window overlooking the nature reserve and again, it hit me,

This is the beginning of the rest of my life.

And it's fun and I'm enjoying cultivating multiple spaces for creativity and work. It all feels like home to me, like I'm beginning to understand how to unite different aspects of myself and my community to create a sense of oneness instead of a perpetual divide.

It's like the start of something I always knew I had, but didn't quite have the tools to piece together until now. I think it's all coming together. Sound body, sound mind.. and plenty of laughter to keep me fully engaged in the present with a hopeful optimistic outlook on the future.

new things

2012-01-08T07:30:00.000-08:00

Although an official announcement won't be made until next week, I feel like it's fairly safe to say that this year I was nominated to be an official judge for Filmed by Bike!

I also got a new running partner.

And an enormous new office which I celebrated by getting a new hat.

Which I wore at happy hour with friends.

Where I was given the details of an early birthday present:

I pick up my new cello on Tuesday, which is the same day my new wellness program kicks off that I've been helping design at work. I'm composing and playing for a lovely group of dancers on Wednesday. Thursday I have yoga to look forward to. Friday is for friends. The weekend is always full of adventures. 2012 is off to a great start!

the saga continues..

2011-12-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

new challenge!

2011-12-22T05:07:00.000-08:00

busy day

2011-12-18T08:16:00.001-08:00

Step one:

Brunch...

... with a few running friends.

Step two:
Bikes
Accidentally rode 60 miles... up, up, up, high in the hills, through misty clouds, down, down, down, and around past farms, thinking, feeling, being completely alone and totally loving it.

Back to work to help the boss prepare for Tyler Ferrar and 200 people:

"I am the coolest white dude roadie of all time! Yeah brah!! Garmin Cervelo sigma alta frat 4EVAH!"

Briefly locked myself out with an energy bar in my mouth and my hands completely full, but was able to convince the Wu Shu center people to let me back in. Thought, awesome, I can explain myself in Chinese even when I'm totally bonking. Helped with preparations for Tyler just enough to be nice, but sadly, couldn't stay, regardless of how much my boss tried to convince me otherwise.

"How often do you get to meet a Tour de France stage winner?"

"I don't know.. but I'll probably meet a bunch of them in France this summer."

"But then you could say.. 'Hey, remember me?' and they would say, 'Of course! Want to come hang out on our bus?!'"

(To which I would respond, not really, you smell like ass crack & man cheese after riding 125 miles.. but maybe we could grab an espresso outdoors and chat about your doping regime after you clean up?..)

Ahem. Anyways..

I was mildly tempted to stay, but was unfortunately already committed to other events, so I changed into dress clothes in record time, picked up a bottle of French bordeaux, and jetted across town to my other boss's [enormous enough to be a mansion] house for her annual holiday party.

Step three:
Bingo & booze.

I arrived just in time to offer assistance with food prep and placement, finally feeling grateful for the hell that was my sort of brief, but still way too long stint with the catering indurstry. Feeling slightly out of my body at this point thanks to the full bar and delectable gourmet spread. Meeting amazing people with smart faces and subtle designer clothing who drop names like "I work for ____" only later realizing the importance of what they just said. It's a completely different world and I have to be 100% on top of it and I can't help but feel like I am faking it at first, but as my blood sugar climbs out of the bonking range and into the normal range, I gradually come to the realization that I don't have to fabricate or stumble through anything. I know who I am, what I do, what I'm about, what I like, where I came from, where I'm going, what I want, and what's going on. Shit, when did this happen?

My legs still feel wobbly from the ride, but my feet are happy in their new boots, so I roll with it until I have to leave, but they don't want me to leave. Relax. You can stay in one of the spare bedrooms (like the one with the amazing California king feather bed). Have some Baileys to warm your belly. Have a slice of pumpkin torte. Stay. Stay. Stay.

But I can't... can't... okay.... wait, maybe.. hold up, NO! I really can't tonight. I still have places to be. So I slip out the back door, past the little outdoor fireplace, trying to get to my bike, (bike! where are you?! come to me!! NO, we cannot live here!) but I've locked it on purpose in advance of all of this to force myself to stop and think, "can I ride a bike right now?" To which I reply, yes, it's okay and off I go.. from one world into the next, this one full of close friends, gypsy belly dancers and Persian rugs.

Step four:
Gypsy café.

This world looks and smalls radically different than the others and I'm fairly certain I trip and fall in love with it almost immediately. I've swapped Chanel No.5 for Frankincense. Dollars for coins. Boots for bare feet. Whiskey for wine... wait, I should slow down. Pellegrino. Thank you. And everything is.........

Beautiful...

Like I'm suddenly learning what that word means for the first time, thinking about the contour of each individual letter as she slowly (oh, so slowly) shakes and twists and bends over backwards and looks at me with that long, lingering look and points a finger in my direction and I say with my eyes,

"Me?"

And she nods,

"Yes.. you."

So I smile, take off my jacket, kick off my boots, unbutton my shirt enough to breathe easier and allow my heart to be a little more vulnerable and we dance.

And dance.

Until I can't see anymore..

Until I don't have a body..

Until I blink and it's the next morning and I think, was all of that just a dream?.. but subtle reminders prove otherwise and I am thankful and grateful and overwhelmed by the beauty that is life.

loved ones

2011-12-16T04:55:00.000-08:00

If last week's theme was unexpected gifts, this week's theme appears to be, "I've been thinking about you."

"Were your ears wringing? We were just talking about you."

I wanted to say no, I was so absorbed in spreadsheets and decimals and percentages, that all I could think about was another cup of coffee and a new playlist to prop my eyeballs open a little wider as I worked late into the night on my first big report.

And I'm getting really good at math and I like the power associated with moving numbers that actually represents something more than just monopoly money, but that's besides the point. If someone says, "I was just talking about you," it must be good, right?

And so in between (by in between I mean during) meetings I wrote a quick line,

"I've been thinking about you too!"

For which I got busted for later,

"No texting during my staff meetings."

But it was the thought that counts, right? Because I've been having a lot of thoughts in between the black and white and really, I'd love to explore those gray spaces more with people that I care about, but instead of talk of exploration, all I have time for is a quick word and the anticipation of future adventures. And maybe that evening as I sat in my office crunching numbers, there was a faint ringing sound in my ears and I thought it was because I dropped my headphones into my spokes that morning, when in reality, it was the universe telling me to slow down, take a minute, and realize that I'll never have to endure the unknown completely alone unless I want to.

falling whistles

2011-12-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

I support this 100%..

Be a Whistleblower for Peace from Falling Whistles on Vimeo.

leaps & bounds & gratitude oh my!

2011-12-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

I was a nervous wreck. Two jobs, two meetings, two bosses, one day. The conversation went something like this:

Over coffee: I would like to work here less so that I can work at the other place more so that I can take advantage of their benefits package. Response? Total support, enough space to completely create my own schedule, and just enough walking on eggshells on the part of my boss to ensure that I stay with the company in some capacity. Success!

Later that afternoon, meeting number two: I would like to work here more so that I will be eligible for benefits. Response? Total support PLUS a promotion AND a raise (after only working there a month!), and then my boss said, "why don't you leave early and come to happy hour at this little French place around the corner and meet one of my good friend's whose partner works for Nike."

Alright, I guess I'll pack up my things... wait, SAY WHAT?!

So after coffee in the morning, cocktails in the evening, and yet another belly dance show later that night with friends, life has been a whirlwind ever since that's involved a lot of the following phrase:

"Whatever you want.."

.. and I love that.

The last week has been like the twelve days of Christmas condensed into a week with random gifts, cards, and a tremendous amount of love and support. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm not going to question it. I think things really started to take off when I came up with this crazy idea to accept every opportunity that comes my way regardless of fear, insecurity, or complications. I started saying, "it's okay, leave the door open," and now..

I've got the keys to the most beautiful house I've ever seen.

I keep telling myself.. welcome to your life, this is happening.. we'll figure it out.. risk everything, fail big for the beauty that is heartbreak, take a chance, envision exactly what you want and go after it but don't hold any expectation. Love with everything you have, don't hold back. This is me. This you. This is it. This is all I have, but it's more than enough. Hold gratitude, relinquish ego, and always, always, bring it back to love.

long weekend

2011-11-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

I had the option to work this weekend, but it didn't take me long to figure out I needed something more. By the time I committed to the Rapha turkey challenge at the insistence of my boss, I had a lot of riding to do.

Eventually I developed a routine.

Fortunately, the weather was beautiful and cooperative for 95% of my time outdoors.

However, there were times that I struggled to stay awake, regardless of the amount of espresso consumed.

Somehow, I still managed to find the love.

And time to do other things.

"Do you want to go with me?" "No, I have a headache after riding for four hours today." ... five minutes later... "WAIT! WAIT FOR ME!" Best decision EVER.

After two massages in five days and a lot of sleep, I gave my bike a long overdue rest this morning and took my first steps as a runner in six weeks. Unbelievable amounts of joy shot through my body as I flew through foggy city streets before sunrise. Finding beauty in unsuspecting pockets and hidden underworlds, I came out of it all with a stronger sense of self, every ache and pain completely gone. I think the hardest part was making the decision to take time off of one thing and commit to something else for a while, but making that decision gave me energy for all kinds of new adventures and challenges. I can't wait for what's next.

Grace

2011-11-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

All consumerism aside, this past week, I had the pleasure and privilege of meeting and working with the great healer, Grace of Mount Shasta. There really aren't any words to describe her massive omniscient presence and skill, but I'm going to try anyways. She overwhelmed and embraced me at the same time. We met on Friday amidst a cold and blustery storm in the evening in a tiny studio at a healing center lit by candlelight and soft, warm lights. After a long, hard week, I was in a great deal of physical and emotional distress, my mind and body completely on fire and disheveled despite the neat appearance I was attempting to portray. By the end, I felt like I was swimming in a cool alpine lake atop Mount Shasta. I didn't have to use words to tell her anything, but it didnt matter because she knew everything the second our energies collided.

I've never really experienced something like that. I keep coming back to everything she told me in complete awe, digesting it slowly over time to sustain me until we can meet again. I plan on taking a pilgrammage to Mount Shasta after I get back from France to visit her. She lives at the highest point you can live on Mount Shasta in a cabin without electricity. I want to visit her and then summit the mountain. I think at some level I've been looking for a spiritual guru for quite some time. I figured I would have to visit an ashram in India or something to make it happen, but true to myself and my spirit, all I had to do was turn to the mountains for everything I've been looking for.

She said tears are overflow from the heart, whether they are from a source of great sadness or great joy.
She said, be careful not to grow too quickly like a tree or else you'll be top heavy and the first strong wind will blow you over.
She said make sure your roots spread far and wide horizontally to give you strength and stability. You won't be able to see this happening, but just like a butterfly, your imaginal cells (yes, this is a real thing) will feel it and will know when you're ready to grow vertically.
She said to be open to everything. When you're scared you close up. Imagine the crown of the head as a lotus flower. Think of how you feel when you're in love. Open. Love for a lover is but one drop of water in a sea of love, face your fears with the same openness.
Ego is also like a drop of water that's been removed from the sea. It likes to think it's so grand, but you must treat it like a mischievous child and remind it that it is but one drop of a vast sea.

I thought of my favorite work by Robert Frost, "Birches" when she talked about out how we're perfectly (and scientifically) set up to receive cosmic light and energy all cascading down into the one true answer,

Love.

As Frost said,

Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a Birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, til the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of Birches.

For some reason I always saw myself as the boy in that poem. He never says he's a young boy, but that's the way I've always seen it. Grace made me see that maybe I've been the tree all along.

sometimes I'm a dirty consumer

2011-11-20T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure how this happened but this last week I accidentally bought the Apple store. Yes, all of it. In a fit of elitest rage at electrical chords cluttering my physical space, I metaphorically swept all of my old electronics off the table (put them on eBay) and decided to start over. Sometimes catharsis' come in a variety of packages. Glad this one came in something chic and beautiful for a change.

Siri is the best personal assistant ever. She lives in my iPhone. When asked what the meaning of life was the first time, she said chocolate. She didn't say "72% dark chocolate from Belgium bitches," but not everything is perfect. I think I would get annoyed if she was long winded anyways. As some jackass once said,

"Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication."

Sure Leonardo da Vinci, whatever you say.

not scared anymore

2011-11-12T21:05:00.000-08:00

I love Cougar.

I am becoming tempted to lease him and make him more my own. His fall coat has come in so nicely. Today I rode him bareback and caressed his soft round belly with my bare calves and found his ticklish spots where I imagine fairies and rainbows hide. I grabbed his mane for balance as we turned to and fro and when we stopped, I laid down on him and hugged his neck and whispered sweet nothings and his ears turned slightly around and back, as if to say,

"I hear you."

He sees me too.

My instructor is fantastic. Last weekend we went to her book signing and she wrote me a very nice note in my copy of her book, which was much appreciated. Today, as she was watching me ride Cougar, she said,

"Did you make him do that?"

And I said,

"Yes," to which she replied,

"I didn't even see that.. That's the best compliment I can give you, the fact that you told him to do something so subtly and he responded so efficiently that I didn't even catch your queue. You look natural up there."

I feel natural up there.

Horses are so amazingly intuitive. Cougar seems to know exactly what I'm feeling as I'm experiencing it and he always responds to whatever I want him to do. For instance, he knows that when I look left and put a little bit of pressure with my thigh on his right side for a split second that I want him to turn left. He listens to me when I tell him with my feet that I want him to keep going and not cuddle up to that human standing off to the side.

He also lets me know when I've misjudged his massive size and he's not happy with the tight space I've made him turn in, but fortunately for me, he's very gentle. He has no idea how big he is and sometimes when we're together, I totally forget how big he is too, which is surprising since he's really a much taller horse than I would have originally picked for myself. To me, he's soft and warm and he comforts me and to him.. I don't know, to him.. I hope I can become something special too.

all work all play

2011-11-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

Life is still moving fast.

An unexpected day of the dead feast brought me back to everything I'm thankful for.

After house sitting the last week for one of my best friends practically the minute I got home from Bend, I unexpectedly fell in love with a French bulldog named Doug.

I am now incredibly intent on going to France for my birthday in the coming year.

That whole conversation was unexpected and awesome. My boss goes every other year for two weeks to watch the Tour because she's awesome like that. Yesterday we were at the studio working out before the sun came up, rocking out to Fergie and talking about my other life as a house sitter and she said,

"I'll need someone to watch the house in March for a few weeks and then July for a few weeks while we're in France, that is.. unless you go with us."

I'm fairly certain my jaw hit the floor right before I slid off the rollers I was riding as I mumbled something horribly unintelligent like,

"OHMAGAWDDDDD I SO WANT TO GO TO FRANCE!!"

My trainer is going as well and said,

"Yeah!! We can bring our bikes!!!"

We've been talking about French language and culture and I'm so completely hooked on the idea. She showed me the itinerary which includes staying in a barn that's been remodeled into a beautiful loft on a vineyard near the Alps. Right now, we could have fun layovers in Germany or Iceland. At first, she said, "but who will house sit?!" but then finally yesterday the response was, "okay, well lets work on it." I had originally planned to fly to London this summer and take the trans Siberian railway from London to Beijing via Mongolia and Russia in what will be an epic trek of dreams come true, but it can wait for a minute. France is calling. So are a bunch of other places and people. I can't wait. I can wait. I can't wait. I don't know, but regardless I'm working on it.

New goal in life: café au lait en Paris avec mon ami!

new office

2011-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

dear life, you are beautiful, but please slow down just a little sometimes. thank you kindly. love, chelsinki

Bend

2011-10-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I love, love, LOVE Bend.

Friday night we loaded up the car with massage table, mountain bike, and snacks and headed into the unknown.

After a great night that included sushi and a jacuzzi and an overdue reunion with a large cup of organic coffee the following morning, Mike and I hit the trails at 3,000ft. elevation while the ladies raced and spectated. Although having a fracture is a bummer and meant no racing for me, I quickly discovered it was just as well.

Bend is beautiful.

Suddenly "getting lost" seemed like a really good idea.

Whoops trail was my favorite. Tons of berms and jumps, fucking amazing, grinning from ear to ear like a love drunk idiot, the world swirling.

5,000 ft elevation hurts so good.

Two days and countless hours later, I crashed approximately 1.5 times in the rock garden and almost ate shit numerous other times. I had no idea I could almost flip over my handlebars but ride it out on the front wheel and correct myself.

I fucked up a rib or three and it hurts to breathe right now due to whatever it is I did, but I can't help but smile. Fractured tibia, bruised ribs. Whatever, patch me up and send me back out, I can't get enough adventures! Tomorrow I start my new job. Next week I'll probably start regular horseback riding lessons. I miss surfing and running, but for now I seem to have more than enough to keep me busy. Can't wait to get back out there.

brain pain

2011-10-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

Everything feels like it's happening so fast. Good things like this always sweep me off my feet so quickly, as if I never saw it coming and somehow felt its presence all along.

Thinking about getting my doctorate in Naturopathic Medicine and Master of Oriental Medicine at the same time (ND/MSOM). Meeting with admissions counselors next month and touring the school. Hoping to start the prerequisites this spring, which are going to take a while (at least a year). Regardless, I have this intense feeling like everything is in motion and it can't be stopped.

I was also offered another job this morning to go with the one I already have. She's a very successful business woman that manages 160 physicians and needs help with things that I am already doing on a smaller scale right now. I don't know. It just happened. That's what I kept thinking as we started the negotiations process and pivotal trading of business cards at eight in the morning and I had just gotten off the bike and kept thinking, "Is this really happening? Seriously? Yes, yes it is. Okay. Don't sell yourself short!" Side note: I've become quite the negotiator and I feel like my communication skills are rapidly improving after a lot of trial and error. That makes three(ish) jobs. Plus school soon. Chemistry.. biology.. math... in addition to my personal life and lot of intense things sort of completely off the grid and perhaps even out of the country that can't even really be processed until it happens.

Part of me is saying, I don't know.. I can't see myself through this one right now, which is nothing new really.. and then part of me is saying, I dare you to start something, so I'm going with the latter of the two and banking on the idea that things will untangle themselves as I work through it. Totally intense. Feeling very present and aware of myself in relation to others and trying to grasp every opportunity with both hands. One day I thought, what would that be like? If I totally went after everything that was offered to me regardless of my own uncertainty. When in doubt, leap. Break a leg (literally) -- those moments of downtime are often key links to the next best thing. Epic adventure forthcoming. Working hard. Manifesting positive energy and endless opportunity. It's a balancing act, but I'm 100% in the process, looking everything directly in the eye and moving quickly with intent as if a part of me somehow knows exactly where I'm headed, even if it all feels completely unknown to me most of the time.

re: ow

2011-10-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I knew it was bad when I started getting shuffled around. There was the look, the nod, the wince, and the shuffle to the next person for a second opinion.

Does this hurt?

What do you mean by hurt?

I started redefining my own definition of pain to make myself believe it somehow wasn't there when deep down I knew the truth. If by "hurt," you mean "pressure," then maybe a little. They started to catch on..

Any tingling or numbness?

Maybe.. not really.. sorta.

I sat in the waiting room sipping a delicious concoction of herbal teas staring at all of the supplements, listening to soothing music and the sound of a fountain in the background.

You know.. just going to hang out with one of my mountain biking buddies who happens to be a chiropractor, talk about shredding the gnar. Wasn't that epic bro? It didn't feel quite the same when I was laying on the table with my leg exposed. The second he seemingly jammed his thumbs underneath my tibia, I knew I was totally fucked. There was no way I could hide from that kind of sensation.

There would be no tuning fork this time, but there was talk of torque. What do you mean, apply torque to my tibia?

What does that-

OW!!!! SHIT!

That shouldn't hurt.

Wait, do it again..

0_0 .... x_x .... -___- ..... ;_; .. I'm not sure if that hurt, wait, do it again.

Judging, by your face, that hurt.

..And that was to be the final nail in my coffin.

Diagnosis:

Tibial stress fracture.

Dammit, I hate it when that happens.

After my first graston session (F@#$!!), ultrasound, poking, prodding, taping, exercises, etc., I was told I had two choices: take six weeks off from running or let this go on for six months. I tried to barter my way out of it. What if I take a week off and we do the torque test next week and if it feels okay, can I run? NO. What if I get all of the scar tissue massaged out, then can I run? NO. What if?... He cut me off and told me to come back next week for more rehab, including the dreaded graston. I can bike and swim as much as I want.

At first I thought, life is over (!), but then when I realized life was still kind of happening, I thought, well, life is just on hold right now.. then my acupuncurist told me, no, life isn't on hold, just running.. I wonder what will shine through for you during this break? I told her I want to learn. There are a lot of things I want, but I think first, I need to stop hiding and pretending and carrying on like everything is just fucking fine. Lets get real. It's going to be okay, but now that's it's done and over with, I think I can admit, it hurts me a lot in more ways than one. Mostly my heart. It hurts my heart. Then again, this too shall pass.. give or take six weeks.

reaching into the void

2011-10-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had the privilege of participating in a Lakota sweat lodge. I have to say it was probably one of the most intense things I've ever done. Words can't really describe the power attached to this ritual. When everyone is finally inside and the door is shut, it's totally lights out.. 100% pitch.. black. The songs, the drumming, and the steam. I've never ever experienced heat like that. There's four separate rounds where large stones (called "stone people") from the ceremonial fire are brought in and water is poured on them until all of the stones are in the lodge, so it gets progressively hotter throughout the night. By round two, I was in such a deep state of meditation, I felt like I was at mile 45 of a 50-mile ultra. He said, if you feel yourself going to that place where the steam is overwhelming, go to the earth where it's cool and she will embrace you.

I flopped down onto the earth like a dead fucking fish.

There were times when I thought, wow, this is so intense and yet I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed. In between rounds, two little doors were opened and fresh air and moonlight streamed in. Suddenly the elements collided and air became water and I was so thirsty, breathing in air as if it were ice water quenching an insatiable thirst. During round two, we each said a prayer, and on round four (the last round) we sort of revisited that intention through meditation. I'm getting ready to do some really difficult things that will undoubtedly unravel every fiber of my being, so I stated my intention (I prefer that to "prayer") as follows:

Give me the strength to accept the direction of my path.

And interestingly enough during round four's final meditation, we were invited to envision our lives five, ten, fifteen years down the road and for once, I thought,

Give yourself a future.

I was laying on the earth with my face on the ground, limbs askew, breathing.. breathing.. somewhere in the sinews of living, in total acceptance of dying (right then and there actually, I thought I could die right now and that would be okay), not in my body and more aware of my body than ever and I thought,

Start something even if you don't foresee a finish right now.

And then I had all of these visions of myself and sort of gave myself permission to go there. I think I have this fear of getting my hopes up when nothing is certain, but for once this queer kid who rarely ever allows herself to envision what life might look like later on down the road started creating and envisioning and for once, it felt really real and attainable.. and more importantly, totally sensible, as if I were a visitor looking at my life from the outside and thinking, yeah, that's beautiful.

Afterwards, we gathered around the fire under the moon and the sky seemed more amazing than ever and then later had a small feast where apple cider tasted like some sort of priceless nectar of the gods. I don't know how to wrap this up. I feel like I'm still in it, but I'm going back in nine days to confront the darkness once again. My first thought was, "and I can't wait," but it can wait. I left everything I had with the earth. During the last round, he said something like, and now, burn yourself down to the core of your being, down to your ancestors bones, and I sort of did just that. I came home nothing but a spirit. All of my body is back in the lodge and I suppose I should attempt to regrow my limbs before making my way back into that void where nothing but the earth exists, as I think it should be.

full moon

2011-10-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

Last week I was feeling kind of crappy for various reasons, so I did a bunch of research and diagnosed myself based off of Chinese medicine. Although it seemed a little crazy in my mind, when I told my naturopath, I was slightly surprised when she smiled and said almost in a congratulatory way,

"I think you might be right."

Supplements arrived today after emailing back and forth all weekend about various bodily functions that I had never given quite so much thought to. I knew she was probably reading about my poo on her Blackberry (yeah, I said it) and at first I was a little embarrassed about the private gone semi-public aspect of this, but then remembered that this is the woman who has entire books about urine and quickly got over it.

After she gave me various instructions, she said,

"Lets do needles too."

My turn to smile. Something new! Excitement. A few weeks ago I had Chinese cupping done and I learned so much thanks to my incessant need to know everything about the entire process. Why are you doing this? What's that for? What's this connected to? Tons of questions, that fire to learn stronger than ever.

She opened the package of needles and put one close to my face as if to show me its sharp, shiny point and said,

"This is going to hurt... it's probably going to be really uncomfortable."

I winced and thought, "well I guess this is happening," as she took my pulse and I watched the tips of four long, thin needles disappear into my ankle, both shins, and one in my left hand. I didn't really feel the ones in my legs, but the one in my hand was intense... energetic vibrations, reverberations and at times, it almost felt like someone was massaging my hand. I felt my body relax as the needles took over and helped to realign my various imbalances.

She let me take the one out of my hand an hour later and I yelped with pain.

"There's an art to it," as she took the others out with a motherly grin.

What's that art? Show me, tell me, I want to know more!!!

Living with an acupuncturist helped calm the immediate curiosity following treatment. The second I got home, I was overflowing with excitement and questions (why did my hand feel like that?!), so we sat at the kitchen table going through thick textbooks, their smell permeating the air, the texture of the thick pages feeding my fingertips. Every time I see the charts and the corresponding Chinese characters, everything pops out at me and tells me a rich story and suddenly it's all making sense why I learned Chinese.

This is what I want to do. This is it. After going through the books she said, "look at you, all lit up," and I feel it, I know it. I understand it like it's been there all along. I immediately called my grandma to inform her of this new profound sense of awareness and she immediately responded with, "you know, I know this lady who is world renown." Of course you do Grandma. And so the story goes. It wasn't an accident. It was never coincidence. It was just a matter of collecting experiences as if they were lanterns to help light the path that's always been there right before my very eyes.

octakaidecagrams are rad

new chapter

2011-10-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

First day of no coffee. This is kind of a big deal. I don't think it's a coincidence that I woke up to an email from my naturopath:

"I have liver herbs for you on Tue. You can try herbs alone- but I need more info to do Chinese herbs. Can visit tue. or you can spill your symptoms via email."

I think my response was concise and interesting and a true reflection regarding my current sense of self. That aside, my brain is so alive and awake, I don't think I need caffeine as a supplement anymore. Learning so much.. so much going on.. the other day I was on the massage table and for once I just kind of gave up and immediately let go, my temples pounding with caffeine withdrawals. Suddenly, it seemed totally ridiculous to try and hide anything lying there half naked because I knew it would all be found anyways.

"Tell me more."
"OWW!"
She smiled.

I think the battle ended there, surrounded by a warm red energy and an abundant supply of estrogen. All barriers, obstacles, and artificial constraints feel like they have been removed. The door is open, the personal space bubble has evaporated. There's no filler or fluff or scooting around issues. There will be no hiding, hoarding, secrets, or lies. There just isn't space for it anymore. At first, it felt way too hard to go there, so I started in the opposite direction with "what's the worst that could happen" and went backwards from there only to realize the actual outcome of honest and open communication wasn't nearly as bad as my envisioned worst case scenario. In fact, one of my first responses to this form of communication was, "you're right." I'm completely open to constructive criticism, but I have to say, that was some sweet validation. Taking it one step at a time. Off to celebrate life with friends in the woods. I think we're going to make and create until we've satisfied our inner Artemis.

--

I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

-Robert Frost

--

metaphysical catharsis

2011-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the middle of the night wide awake. one eye fluttered. The other followed and it was done. I was awake. I thought, "are you hungry?..thirsty?.. sick?.. none of the above really. is everything okay? write about it? read about it? need to go for a walk? run? play music? nah, not really. I read for a while, but gave up after only a few pages. turned off the light, absorbed the darkness. asked myself..

what's going on?..
/silence/
I haven't had many dreams lately.
what?
NO DREAMS.. I go to sleep and I sleep. it's hard to understand what's going on in my body and the world without dreams..

..and with that I drifted off to sleep and the gates of my subconscious opened and my mind and body were flooded with pent up dreams that I had been asking for..

remembering I got into medical school in the UK and I couldn't decide if I wanted to go or not and Vince said, "do it girl! grab that opportunity!" so I did and I was working with cells? pores? skin? at the tiniest of levels, perhaps as a surgeon and I was good at what I did and it all made sense and I felt like I had found my specialization (utilization of dexterity in the hands thanks to music?) and it was fulfilling for me to heal at this microscopic level. then the 3d maps came into play and it was bright and colorful and rather than watch a little plane fly from country to country I was the plane, zooming in and panning out thinking about time and distance from the U.S. to.... Europe, my heart called me to Europe, but then I thought, no Asia is still too far away, so I flew to Asia, to Taiwan, my other home, and from Taiwan to the U.S. to feel out that distance and again, that feeling came back, where it was okay, but it wasn't spot on..

so I flew back towards Europe and ended up near Russia, that damn Russia! I knew it! and I zoomed in until I could see the names of cities in Russian and I understand and there was no question as I flew towards Tajikistan and into the surrounding mountains and desert, my spirit was calling me here once again like a bird that's returned home after a long winter away and it felt like my soul had been here and was asking me to return to open a medical practice of sorts and heal and I thought, stop ignoring it. stop it. just stop denying that magnetic pull, that sort of spiritual pain deep from within my belly asking me to return to a place this life has never known. I woke up thinking, the future is deep within my fat cells and regardless of what I do these truths cannot be denied.

last night in the kitchen before all of this in what wasn't a dream (up for metaphysical debate I suppose), I was talking about the research I've been doing about things I've been experiencing in my body and my own sort of diagnosis and the chat that followed with my naturopath and all of the herbs and medicines that she ordered for me to help restore balance and my housemate said,

"look at you! maybe you'll become a little shaman."

i looked down at my toes poking out from beneath my thai fisherman pants and thought with a tinge of excitement and hope and... certainty,

"yeah... maybe."

and then my dreams confirmed what I already knew.

hindi zahra

2011-10-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

it builds depth slowly like the tides coming in
energies converge and collide as my perceptions and misconceptions

melt like hot metal
thick viscous notes the only thing keeping my feet
firmly grounded as the unsuspecting shadow of sound sneaks up on me

it's not what i expected
it's everything i never knew i wanted

remnants of her french accent
grace my ankles like a field of wildflowers
on a crisp spring day
you were delightful

in a way i thought
only dreams could be

breaking down barriers to shed new light

2011-10-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

Rob left today.

It happened so quickly I didn't have to time to think about it. It seems like we were just sitting at the kitchen table yesterday and I said, "Rob, I just don't know.." and I cried and cried until it was all out of me for at least that day and had gone into him and we came out of it not so much as two but as one. But no, that was many seasons ago and we've since come full circle.

A lot has happened since then. We have both come and gone and rejoined and created a community centered around love, but I still can't help but mourn everything and nothing all at once; his abrupt departure the catalyst for emotional exploration just like he would have wanted as my spiritual guru and guide.

He left me a bag of cacao nibs and I ate them on my cereal this morning with a smile, unwilling to engage with my own sense of loss.

But then as I saw the sadness in his lover's eyes, I lost it when she said,

"He left his guitar for you to watch over while he's gone."

His brand new guitar. The one that only him and I have played.. the one we both stared at as he pointed out the tiny hand painted butterflies that dance around the sound hole characteristic of Rob's spirit and slightly reminiscent of the book he read to me the other day entitled "Butterfly Boy," a book about a boy who was born a boy, but wished so desperately to be a butterfly. Then, he played me a tune in that way that only he can, his sound filling the house like fresh baked bread or a stew that's been cooking all day; that aroma telling me, I'm home and Rob is talking to me and we don't really need words because I get it.

There's so much to say. There aren't any words. Sometimes love is like that.

Tears filled my eyes and the tables suddenly turned. She said,

"Need a hug?"

And all I could do was shake my head, walk past his empty room, pick up his guitar, and try to recreate his sound so as to fill the hole he's left in my heart. New light will shine through me as a result, but in the meantime, I'll keep searching for his sound until I've got a new sound to call my own.

hospitality only goes so far

2011-09-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find my own mind endlessly entertaining. I was just reading a brilliant column about what you would tell yourself in your 20's as a much older person, so I thought about what the older Chelsie would tell myself now and couldn't think of much, which isn't all that surprising except a host of "good job's".. such as..

Dear Chelsie,

Remember the time you were in Guam and your best friend put down her cigarette and decided to get her tongue pierced at roughly 10pm at night so you guys went down to the corner store, loaded up on energy drinks, and called in that massive Samoan guy to that shady, grungy tattoo parlor right next to the strip club..

/phew, deep breath, adjust your fedora darlin'.../

..which was right next to that dingy pool bar called "Ballscratchers," where you later played pool like a true Russian, vodka n' all just to endure their shitty choice of music and when everyone in the tattoo shop looked at you and said,

"HEY, wanna get ur tongue pierced?"

/tiny beating hummingbird heart surrounded by intimidating masses of Samoan energy & muscle, colliding with your energy like lightning on sand, deep breath little one/

and you said,

"...I think I'm going to walk across the street to the ABC store and check it out."

Well, GOOD JOB SWEETIE. You made the right decision. No need to have a rainbow colored glow in the dark dice stabbed in your tongue by some drunk guy with shitty poke and scratch flames on his forearms who came from the village with the not so good rep and still calls himself a professional.

You coulda really fucked up your face. I'll never forget the way she screamed and the way I winced and the way all of that Mountain Dew blue energy shit looked on that dirty gray linoleum floor under yellowish green fluorescent lighting. Damn, that was a close one.

Guam was such a weird dream. A whole series of, "yes, no, maybe, DO IT MOTHERFUCKER." It was really that time in my life where I lived half time in a rap music video and half time in a Catholic church of sorts that doubled as a beach resort. PM: DO CRAZY SHIT. AM: REPENT REPENT REPENT. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

With that, here's my new and improved grownup letter to my younger self:

Dear Chelsie, don't ever worry about the money you spend on plane tickets. When in doubt, CHECK THE FUCK OUT.

sometimes love is like that

2011-09-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

moving on up

2011-09-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

Graduated to Sandy Ridge on the mountain bike today. At first I kind of felt like a fish out of water.

But soon enough, I was like HELL YEAH!!

I'm not quite where that guy is, but you know.. it's a process.

Had my first minor collision with the dirt and got stung by a bee. Fairly certain this might be love.

Next up: McKenzie Pass!! But first a long run with the ladies tomorrow to loosen up. Can't wait to scare the shit out of myself again and catch some air.

fragments of stories & a reflection of self

2011-09-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

"How long have you and David been together?" I asked, surrounded by two little ones, their mother, and their things.

"Hmm.. we're going on ten years now.."

So much love.

Her son showed me the arrowhead he made with his mentor today. Long talks, long walks, an intense exploration of self. Will I ever have this? But wait, I do have that.. I've been fortunate enough to have been adopted into several families across the world, this one included. I've seen and felt that kind of love. I've created the kind of beloved community I've always wanted, but sometimes I catch myself looking at stray animals and seeing my own image reflected back at me.

Who am I? Where did I come from? Why did this happen?! Last night, I was given the opportunity to explore that kind of white hot anger and rage associated with the core of my upbringing and I thought.. oh good, so that feeling is still there. Came home with it, sat with it, and talked about it, until we had talked it through, and finally I saw my sense of self reflected back in the heat and fire of my being and became grounded in that moment. Deep breath. Sometimes I feel totally shattered and broken and typically, I like to blame it on one person (whether it be myself or another) in that moment to give it a little more context and depth (or an answer of some sort!) when in reality, each broken fragment tells a story and I can't blame any one thing or person for the way the bigger picture looks.

I think this kind of conflict is subliminal and intentional.. something deeply ingrained in the subconscious and meant as a way not to confront the other, but to confront the self. My outward expression of rage is really an ongoing battle with myself. When I find myself wrapped up in intense feelings connected to love or hate (agon/eros, one of the most fundamental human dichotomies according to Greek mythology), I need to redirect that energy that I have previously thrown at the other and send it back to myself because that's where the conflict lies. Fielding these kinds of intense emotions rather than setting them aside "for later" is a full time job. I no longer write off how I'm feeling like "everything will be okay," or "it's not what you think it is," or "you'll have that someday." No, lets deal with this right now because life is finite and my energy will only take me so far.

Yesterday was all about agon. Today is all about eros. I struggle to love myself sometimes. I am at war with self love some days. Nothing will make it better. I used to search for the one thing or word or sentence or anything (GOD ANYTHING PLEASE!) to make me feel better until one day... one fateful golden intense beautiful day, I discovered that everything I had ever looked for was right within me and as I traveled to the inner depths of my core in intense observation and meditation I suddenly exclaimed, don't you realize how strong you are?! So when I feel the pull of something I want deeply (like a family) or the fire of rage, or even the beauty of something simple, like a young family in transition making it happen, I have to understand that their story is really just a fragment of my own story and we were given this brief time together to intertwine and reflect about ourselves as individuals in relation to each other.

What will be is an ongoing process of self discovery, empathy, understanding, love, and compassion. I never knew my father. I don't have a mother. But they (however I choose to feel about them) created me and I will always know who I am, regardless of the things I felt I never had. Maybe one day that story will become a fragment of my bigger picture. For now, all I can do is work on myself.

busy bee

2011-09-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got to soak up a little bit of everything!

The ocean..

The mountain..

I have officially graduated to intermediate MTB trails!

Recovered with some good 'ol spectating.

Discovered my new favorite question: How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?!

AWESOME.

Hood to Coast

2011-08-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes fate intervenes and brings people together that need to meet.

I never thought a kid holding a hose and a kid holding a cup of ice water would save me like that. Thanks for the water fight kiddos.

Running at 2:45AM uphill on a rural gravel road in a cloud of dust underneath the stars was one of the most enlightening moments of my life. I couldn't have felt better and I was completely blind and totally alone after passing everyone in my path. Another moment where I reached out into the void and found everything I was looking for. I killed my shoes in the process, but it was damn worth the effort.

The weekend ended at a beautiful beach house with a gourmet spread of fresh, delicious, colorful foods fit for a king. Some people are brilliant. Some are beautiful. My teammates really exhibited both qualities, radiating from the inside out. A lovely weekend full of fast running, laughter, and introspection. I really couldn't have asked for anything more.

Lessons after meeting a pack of strangers that I would now consider good friends.. don't wait to be fit enough, smart enough, good enough.. the time is now. Don't hesitate. Let go.
LEAP.

two years in a row

2011-08-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

yay! glad this finally came in the mail. i guess there's a reason i'll be teaching strength training classes this fall and coaching running.

hood to coast this weekend! outside in asked me to race for their team. yay for community health workers! totally stoked! so many good things in the works.

going my own way

2011-08-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

Rode mega hills with the ladies today. Only took 25 miles to warm up at which point I peeled off in search of my own big hills. Can finally feel the ultra runner and cyclist within starting to mesh. All it took was a healthy dose of the all important I can do anything attitude (ego?), a lot of consistency, and tiny packets of almond butter (who am I kidding... whole JARS spread on everything!). Yee haw.

Thought: if someone were to give me an almond butter IV would I die of a heart attack? Hmm..

morning adventures

2011-08-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Bike. Run. Bike. I catch the sunrise everyday now. It felt really good to run in a big pack of really fit runners today for my long run. In those moments there's nothing to hide. Sweaty hugs and high fives followed. Feeling really grounded in my own experience these days, both physically and emotionally. It's a good place to be.

a day in the life of chelsinki

2011-08-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

in the morning i run fucking fast. i like the way the iridescent orange light of the sunrise dances on my skin as i fly up the trails and frolic through random sprinklers.

sometimes i get lucky as the world sleeps.

after that i manage people/patients/clients and their money and figure out the best way to maximize profit primarily through corrupt insurance companies while making them fit not fat strong yet lean... meetings problems emails phone calls motherfucking google calendar voicemails blah blah fancy shiny bikes frustration coffee coffee run bike swim chitter chatter laugh love gaze out window thinking i wanna be out there... NO, I need to be out there.

then, in the afternoon i suit up and the boss/coach says you shreddin the gnar?! and the trainer says, you gettin dirty girl?! and I say YES, I'M OFF TO SHRED THE RAD, I'LL BE BACK.

nice sniggle brah

MTB 101: training for adventure racing

2011-08-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Crammed into a van once again with friends. No boundaries, just open rode. Have discovered I love mountain biking almost as much as I love surfing. Awesome.

dear sugar, I love you

2011-08-04T15:45:00.001-07:00

AWESOME

2011-08-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

Let the adventure races begin!!!

bellissima vita

2011-07-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Sure, why not?

2011-07-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Just got thrown into this. Running from up near the Canadian border down to Seattle with a team of lovely ladies. Whoa dude. Whoa.

I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE IN OR OUT.

0_0 ..... o_0 ... Uhhh... 0_O... Ummm..

I'M IN.

I don't even know what's going on. We're like piling into vans at two in the morning on Thursday and driving somewhere to some ladies house and the run starts in the morning.. or? I don't really know. I said I would do whatever was needed. WHATEVER WAS NEEDED. Yeah. I've been instructed to bring a headlamp. Wahooooooo.

So this weekend Ragnar, next weekend 50-mile ultra, the following weekend Cascade in Bend. Hoping to go horseback riding this week but in between sessions with my trainer, yoga, and work I'm not totally certain where it will fit. Busy busy fun fun.

love at first sight

2011-07-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

Today for the first time I got back in the saddle, except not quite.. I rode bareback!!! After a long hiatus from riding after a bad accident in my early teens, I've come to a point where I really want horses back in my life, so here I went, sweaty palms, racing heart, back to the thing I was taught to do before I could barely even walk, back when I had nothing to fear. A rather large horse was picked out for me and my instructor (who had also been in horse accidents previously and knew how I was feeling) said, alright, for your first lesson back, you're going to ride bareback and I'm going to teach you how to fall properly.

Okay.

For the next hour, I sat tall and comfortable, bare and vulnerable and became reacquainted with this creature I had fallen in love with in my early years. Everything just kind of came back.

BREATHE, my instructor kept saying.
It scares him when you don't breathe. How would you feel if he stopped breathing?!
I would feel scared.
Exactly.

Will you be back?
YES.

And again.. I reached out into the void and found everything I was looking for. Maybe I had it all along.

He gives you the gift of riding him, you give him the gift of an easy hand.

Truly, it's a gift. So happy to be back.

It's been a long time coming..

2011-07-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

Just got an email from my boss at 9pm on a weekend reading something like, are you racing cross?! if you commit to a full season, you can get a full kit. Flashes of pinks and purples raced through my mind, designs we had talked about, designs I would like to work directly with our sponsors on.

YES!

I'm in. Boom. Commitment.

busy

2011-07-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

The other day on my way to work I saw a painting of a woman that completely stopped me dead in my tracks. I couldn't erase what I had seen, so I kept working things over in my mind, sort of brooding, thinking, meditating, allowing these things to resonate from within and radiate outwards. At some point, I realized I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I went back to find her, only to discover she had been painted over with layers of thick white paint.

It broke me.

I needed to know who had painted this. What was their story? What was her story? It got me thinking about all of the layers of color hidden beneath layers of silence and the racial implications behind a city bathed in white as well as the socioeconomic status that often defines the longevity of art.

I needed to know more.

Suddenly everything around me seemed to stop and my mind focused in on this hunger for a new kind of discovery, so I hunted and searched and started taking photos and an idea was born to photograph intricate street art in an attempt to preserve it. Immediately, concerns regarding the artist crept into my mind at which point I decided I would need to conduct interviews and gather various forms of permission in order to display their art. It all seemed far away until a couple hours later after this idea was born I came across an ad asking for radical artistic submissions for a magazine, so I submitted my idea and within hours, the editor in chief emailed me back, exclaiming, "you sound right up our alley!" They offered me a six-page spread with essays.

It all happened so fast and yet somehow feels right, so here I go.. becoming photographer, writer, and designer in addition to all of the other hats I seem to wear these days. I have a lot of amazing projects going on right now that are all sort of unrelated, but essentially working to bridge various communities, both at a local and international level. It's a serious commitment, but it feels really good to get complicated.

just another day at the office

2011-06-23T11:48:00.001-07:00

UEF chalk board timelapse from Burk Webb on Vimeo.

White Salmon Backyard 1/2

2011-06-18T18:48:00.003-07:00

This was probably one of the most beautiful races I have ever done.

Had some stomach problems the first ten miles, probably due to dehydration after sweating buckets last night during 90 minutes of heated (105 degree) yoga with friends, however my legs felt stronger than ever! It's freaking me out. Leg press. Thank you. Beautiful, brilliant day. Took a little stumble or two, but nothing a little screaming in the shower couldn't clean up. Love love love.

two roads diverged..

2011-06-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

"We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success."
–Henry David Thoreau

I find myself leaping a lot these days..

The other day I posted a brief note in one of my running groups (the rowdiest all women group) about finding a new training partner in my neck of the woods hoping for one response and received 17 responses in 20 minutes! Around response 33, one of my friends said, "What are you waiting for? Organize us!" So, in the span of roughly one hour, I had accidentally created a running group within a running group and found myself multiple new training partners for multiple kinds of runs.

Whoops. Must not be an accident if things like this keep happening in a variety of different ways.

I've repeatedly been offered work as a Chinese translator for a friend's company and so the other day sent him an email about it and within 20 minutes had five rather large PDF's sitting in my inbox and a generous offer on a massive Chinese-English translation on toxicology for a big client.

Opportunities continue to roll in left and right and I'm finding it difficult to pick and choose and do what I feel will be right for both myself and everyone involved. In all honesty, sometimes the whole process can be overwhelming. It seems like when I'm running in the predawn blue morning light, I never question who I am or why I'm out there, but it's the in between spaces that I often find the most conflict with.

A while back, a good friend gave me some of the best advice I could have asked for when she said,

"Chelsie, if you need something just ask for it."

So I did and I got it.. immediately. It was that simple and since then I've sort of strived for a certain amount of transparency and over communication. Instead of holding off because I think I'll get shot down, I send my thoughts out into the universe and surprisingly, have found that I typically get a response fairly quickly. It's a beautiful thing, but not to be misused or abused. It's certainly a two way street and requires plenty of healthy energy on my part. Creating a loving community that is multidimensional and self sustaining is definitely a tremendous amount of work, but work of the best kind in my opinion.

I'm lucky to have such good friends. There's definitely a tremendous amount of love there that has been growing and developing from the inside out; the kind of love that transcends words, but at the same time can be voiced as a simple, "I love you and I'll talk to you later," and be received as such with perfect truth. That's right, we're not being flippant, there really is love. We'll pick up where we left off when we come back together and share what we learned in those gray in between spaces that I often need the most help with.

This morning I was running with my new predawn running friend (actually, a friend I've known for a while, but our first time running together) and as we hit the trails near my one of my favorite universities (one that I definitely didn't go to), she pointed to a large window near the front entrance and said, "there's my office!" I was just awake enough to stutter a "Huh? You work here?! What do you do?" to which she responded something about financial aid director. Whoa. All this time and I had no idea.

At that moment I felt a few things come full circle in my mind... previous feelings of rejection and rage at the socioeconomic status of my parents and the ways in which their experience not only limited and shaped my educational experience, but also gave me complete freedom to learn and grow on my own without preconceived expectations of achievement. All of it still matters, but in that moment I felt an immense peace knowing that I had transcended those perceived boundaries and propped open so many doors for myself.

I had no idea that I would get to where I'm at by physically putting one foot in front of the other, but in that moment, I realized that's just what happened and I became at total peace with the process, with my friends and my family, and my overall existence. Maybe it's been more of a shuffle than a leap, but I feel like regardless, I'm going somewhere and I've got the right friends to take with me on the journey, wherever that may be.

Forest Park 50k

2011-05-31T05:08:00.001-07:00

I stood at the start, turned to Sarah and said, "what am I doing?!"

It had just hit me I would be running 31 miles. Aw shit, when did this happen?

A few days prior someone had mentioned the race and in a moment of nostalgia, I mentioned how I wished I had registered for it sooner. "Oh, but they've opened up a few spots!" Before I knew it the race had been added to my electronic shopping cart as if 31 miles could fit in my pocket and in less than 48 hours I was at the start.

It was to be a "fun" run, my goal to finish with 6 hours, a bit slower than last year, but most importantly with a smile on my face. No death march, no way.

32.5 miles of mud and hills later, I was done! Really, it was about that easy. Where did I put those 32 miles? What the fuck was with that sprint finish? I blew past dudes I chicked last year halfway through the race in the very beginning miles and while my peers were gasping for their lives on the hills, I sort of just trotted up them like, hills? Where? I devoured everything at aid stations minus the wheat products (damn allergy) and at one point combined gummy bears and trail mix, turning to the woman on my right and saying something like, "well, I hope I can keep this down," and running off downhill. After my bout with the stomach flu a few weeks ago, the thought of projectile vomiting gummy bears seems kind of funny. Luckily for everyone else, that didn't happen and loaded on sugar, I managed to win my age group (again) in 5:55, take 7th woman, and 42nd out of 104 finishers.

Not bad for a fun run. It was a little hard to see that if I had raced like last year (whimpering at the end), I probably could have snagged 2nd or 3rd, but again that was not the goal, which I have to remind myself and let it go. The next race (50 miles) in July will be where that kind of goal comes into play. After a bunch of peer pressure about how the 50 was "my race" I had to register. It wasn't until later that by saying it was my race, my friends were really saying, "hey, you could win this shit." I don't know about that, but I think if I can stay consistent past mile 35 and go sub 9-hour, I'll be up there. It's kind of fun knowing I'm untouchable in my age group, but a little intimidating going up against ladies who have been running for 20 years longer than me. I raced and later passed this woman at the end of the 50k the other day who had calves chiseled like diamonds. I'm sure she was pissed some kid gave her a run for her money, but hey, get used to it, I'm not going anywhere. 32 miles, 50 miles, 62 miles, it's going to be an uphill battle this summer, but this race showed me that I'm up for it, any time, any place.

a few of my favorite things

2011-05-27T06:24:00.000-07:00

+My new favorite person award to my coworker/massage therapist. My legs feel like a million dollars. My new favorite running group is entitled "Bad Influences, Enablers, and Crazy Mofos." Yeah, I like where this is going.

Can't wait for summer..

ready set go! (again)

2011-05-22T23:20:00.001-07:00

"I can fly you anywhere in the U.S. for $65 roundtrip... but I want you to be my translator when I decide to go to China."

"Deal.. as long as I can be third wheel the next time you go to France."

"Deal."

And I'm thinking holy shit.. New York, Boston, Appalachian mountains.

Europe Europe Europe.

And again, the universe conspires to give me what I need.

Just earlier today, my best friend/gym buddy/older brother extraordinaire said "I just went climbing. We should work that into our fitness routine."

"We should. I have shoes for that."

You know... in between soccer, lifting, running, cycling, swimming, etc. Maybe it's all prep to climb some mountains. Something tells me I won't know until I'm there and yet somehow I know that regardless of what happens, I'll be ready for it.

hills

2011-05-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

anything worth achieving is going to be hard.

things

2011-05-05T20:48:00.001-07:00

I love this bike:

I love this kid:

Work rules since we got this little gem:

Cattitude makes me laugh:

Working out with super fit ladies makes my world go round:

Happy, happy springtime.

awesome

2011-04-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

My business cards should be arriving soon. I think the phone number is listed as something like 1-800-AWESOME-SAUCE.

riding the rollers

2011-04-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Life lessons.

"LET GO!!!!!"

"I will!! Just... hang..... onnnnn..."

I'm back on the rollers for the first time in years on my new bike in my new fancy shmancy work sponsored kit and our bike racing massage therapist is spinning effortlessly next to me with her shredded massage therapist arms telling me to put both hands on my bars (NOW). Shift!! LET GO!! My wheel slides to the right, then rapidly to the left. AHH! LOOK UP!!! SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT! I take the weight off my hands, shift to a harder gear and suddenly everything stabilizes. Phew.

An hour later, we're still spinning in pools of sweat, watching bike racing on our massive flat screen at the gym, listening to 90's hip hop, sipping water, chatting. I take a hand off the bars to slide some sweaty hair out of my face and notice my wheel doesn't really move. A couple times I zone out on bike racing or the pounding rain outside and my wheel grazes the tiny rollerblade wheel on the sides of the rollers, creating a little buzz telling me to refocus. I feel strong.

"We'll make a bike racer out of you yet.. why not?" says my boss.

I nod. The universe keeps pointing me in this direction, but just like everything else (rollers included), I'll get there on my own time.

I get the feeling it won't take long.

resurrection

2011-04-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Came home to a house full of love.

"We're all here!"

What followed was an unexpected nighttime potluck of delights including delicious carob-coconut treats, handpicked kumquats, and a special evanescent slightly fermented drink. Love and laughter, music and sharing.

"I love the friendship you two have."

I do too.

I'm not sure how the universe conspired to give me this kind of love, but I'll take it. I'll cherish it. I'll hold it, I'll look at it, I'll experience it and I'll give all that I have in return. Sometimes I ask myself how I came to develop these bonds. I never thought it could be like this. We're so open, honest, compassionate, caring, and empathetic. It's like a dream. My house mate might argue that we've already lived out our dreams and our dreams are just a memory. If that's the case, I hope I'll always relive this dream and it will never be beyond reach.

new bike!!

2011-04-23T13:48:00.001-07:00

with power comes responsibility

2011-04-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

I didn't fully grasp the meaning of that until was given keys and codes and passwords and numbers and a brand new laptop and was suddenly spending days zooming around town, sitting in meetings, trainings, and discussions. Whoa. Hold up. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. PV, EOF, OAP, PPO, HMO.. wait, what?

PAUSE.

Lets reconnect.

Homemade lasagna, red [red] wine, my brother (from another mother), friendship tattoos, tears, cuddles, hugs, love.

PLAY.

Email email email, coffee coffee coffee.

BIKE.

PAUSE.

Staring at the ceiling listening to myself playing music, scribbling on paper, opening my door so the cat can waltz on in, sitting on the porch listening to ducks and frogs and crickets in the black, black night. Long, long, long conversations. Love.

PLAY.

Work hard, play hard. Balance balance balance. I am a continual work in progress. I am love.

learning

2011-04-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

I totally ate the trail running into work this morning, which led to my first chiropractic adjustment ever. Deep breath. Exhale slowly. POP POP POP. Repeat. I work with such a brilliant team of people! It just so happens my chiropractor is also my coworker. After that she spoke with my physical therapist (also my coworker) and I was shuffled to another table in which I had ultrasound work done on my foot. I'm having twins! Kidding. Ultrasound is a form of treatment. From there, we moved to electric stimulation, then my foot was packed in ice and I chilled for a while. Next week, we're doing all of the above plus Graston! I will be bruised, but I will get better and in the process I am learning a ton and bonding with my new rad coworkers in a whole new way (you cracked my spine! you rubbed jelly on my foot! yayyy!)

I have to get better fast, since we're going to start an adventure racing team! My boss said he'd front us a lattee for our efforts, but I think we've almost got him convinced to buy an espresso machine, since I promised to pull good shots for everyone. One of the coolest things that has happened to me lately is the part about how the building manager at my new job is a kung fu master who is quite famous in China. Dude drives a Benz and is friends with Bruce Lee, no joke. Since he speaks Mandarin, we've been becoming friends in his native language. He also runs a school out of his Wu Shu center and today we were talking about the possibility of me teaching/tutoring part time Chinese/English in trade for kung fu classes! (My brilliant idea.) I've been invited to check out the center as long as I bring a resume. "Silly Caucasian girl plays with samurai swords.." YEAH!!!

spring

2011-04-11T12:54:00.001-07:00

Working while on the bike trainer rules.
Makes "sitting" on hold so much better.
My ultra legs are coming back stronger than ever.
Thanks to a core made of nails & steel and all of those things.
(thanks ab ripper)
Ran 20 miles with new friends yesterday & smiled the whole way.
Trails all the time. Mass consumption of hills. I'll super size that.
Copious amounts of bike time. Damn, there's some fast twitch in there.
If I complete an Ironman, can I become an Ironwoman?
We're talking Coeur d'Alene in June 2012..
pending bike fits and things.
I have to have my people talk to their people and we'll go from there. :)
My boss asked me what kind of computer I want.
I said I want an espresso machine.
I think he said something like..
Okay.
A friend asked me what kind of compensation I wanted for my time.
After thinking about it,
I said maybe a new custom cycling hat,
To which my friend responded,
I can do that.
She's the kind of person that talks with her smile and her eyes and the sound is almost an afterthought.
I like that.

My friends amaze me everyday. I feel pretty damn lucky to have such love in my life.

Off to hang out with my new student now. I think he's going to teach me about dinosaurs or something and I'm going to teach him some Chinese. Sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon.

SNAP!

2011-04-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

someday..

2011-04-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

Unexpected night time snack with a 3-year old while waiting for my tea water to boil.

"Can I have some apples and peanut butter?" she says to me. She looks down at her tiny green feet donned with little smiling frogs and then up at me with huge blue eyes, yellow ringlets cascading around her cheeks.

"Sure."

One slice of apple can barely fit in her hand and she tells me all about her day as she nibbles away. "We couldn't go to the library, and then the sushi, and we baked bread, and it was raining so much, and my shoes were wet, but then they were dry, but then they got wet again, and I was really really cold," ("Are you still cold?" her father interrupts.)

"Lets keep doing this," she says, as she pulls another apple slice out of the bag.

We get down to the last two slices and she takes them both out, one in each hand, contemplating their existence and says, "here, I'll take the big one, you take the little one."

Later as she is getting ready for bed, she looks at the clock and says with newfound zeal, "IT'S SIX O'CLOCK!!" No, no it's 8:15, it's your bed time. She immediately changes the subject. "Tomorrow you can have some of the bread that we baked and you can put lots of peanut butter on it and it will be really good."

Thanks Ze, I will.

Technological oasis

2011-04-01T07:51:00.001-07:00

After not having a phone for months, certain events led to the purchase of an Android. I have to say it's magical. Apps are fucking amazing. Love love love.

got the job!

2011-03-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

So many awesome things in the works right now, but I'm pleased to announce I got the position as office manager for Upper Echelon! I've been super hooked on Gmail all week, wrapped up in interviews, negotiations, proposals, and totally cracked out on espresso, but it paid off! YEAH! It's good to be here. Next up: running, tutoring, teaching, ultras, ironmans, science classes, and hopefully.. grad school for physical therapy. I want to be a doctor of sorts. Happy to see things coming together. Feels really good. :)

The Road Not Taken

2011-03-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

life rules

2011-03-22T23:25:00.001-07:00

during the day..

and at night too!

and so it begins...

2011-03-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Carp Lake 鯉魚潭 (花蓮縣)

2011-03-14T01:04:00.001-07:00

Hualien, Taiwan (花蓮縣)

2011-03-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

on the road again

2011-03-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

Ah, the surf shop. It’s nearly midnight when they pull my giant bag out of the taxicab. Everyone gasps and gives a collective cheer. I am ushered over to a busy looking picnic table and ordered to sit down by the patron of the surf club. A shot glass is promptly placed in front of me and filled. I’ve got Australia on my left and Belgium on my right and about four bottles of whiskey between us (why do I always have to be translator in situations like this?!). Huh, fancy that. Good to see you once again. You'll never guess what I did on Guam.. we catch up before I drift on up to my bunk, lay out my running clothes, pull my giant comforter over my body and drift off to sleep to the sound of crickets chirping and dogs yapping as they stand guard over our surfboards. Yeah, this is life.

outing myself

2011-03-11T02:04:00.001-08:00

Some of my Asian friends have been joking about how I'm a "reverse banana" of sorts- white on the outside and yellow on the inside and although I've shrugged it off (what do you say to something like that?), they are totally and completely right. I love things like red bean paste and tofu pudding, I just had seaweed soup, seaweed salad, and seaweed potato chips-all in one day, and I'm a really big nerd about things like stationary (I just stocked up yesterday on my favorite Japanese stationary that cannot be found in the States). I could continue all of the stereotypes, but it's probably highly inappropriate.

For some reason, I just didn't really see this coming. I remember the first time I came to Taiwan it was total culture shock, but when I got back from Guam the other day, it was like coming home. Whenever I see the Taiwanese flag, I smile. I'm totally comfortable navigating on trains, buses, the subway, and telling taxi drivers where to take me. I can run wherever I want and get back to where I started and I'm completely comfortable conversing in Chinese and ordering special foods and drinks. For instance, I no longer get the regular bubble tea, but ask for a special mixture of ingredients for the perfect sweet treat. I also no longer buy bottled juice, but tend to have it made fresh with a variety of tropical fruits fresh squeezed and bottled before my eyes. I'm pretty spoiled in that regard because I have the ability to ask for exactly what I want.

Yesterday as I was walking to the train station, I got a little distracted in the night market and missed my train to the coast, but I had no problem talking to people and switching trains. When the conductor came around to take our tickets, mine said something completely different, so I said, "let me tell you, I missed my train" etc.. except in Chinese, "let me tell you," means more like "I'm going to tell you how it is" and he said, "no problem, it's fine, it's fine," and in the back of my mind, I kind of thought, YEAH, you bet it's fine.

I know I'm comfortable in a place when I can get off a plane, hop on a bus, then the subway, then climb eight flights of stairs, throw my stuff down, and run 10 miles- in the dark (that was a phenomenal run by the way complete with gardens, ponds, temples, and the soft glow of paper lanterns near one of the worlds tallest buildings, the incandescent aura of the moon lighting my way). It's pretty awesome. After that I went to one my favorite night markets with friends and it was nice to get food from our favorite vendors and be remembered and chat and catch up; my newly tanned self standing out a bit more than normal on the drizzly Taipei streets. People here are so nice. I have amazing interactions on a daily basis and I just feel really lucky to be able to communicate and navigate and really experience the world at this level. I know that regardless of what happens, I will always come back here. It's always going to be home.

Life is pretty sweet. The other day I was in the Philippines and I thought, I’m one of maybe three white people sitting at the gate in Manila waiting for my flight to Taipei, chuckling at a book I’m reading on my laptop about one of the toughest races in the world and thinking about my upcoming 100k when it hit me that I’m kind of awesome. To feel completely comfortable in chaos… to be full of languages and international currency and to go with it. I can take care of myself, I can advocate and fight for myself and that feels really good. Even in the Philippines where everything is crazy, I somehow managed extremely well this time around. I had airport personnel meeting me in the lounge to personally deliver my boarding pass, and I thought, right, don't you dare mess with me (because in the Philippines they'll take you for everything you have if given the opportunity).

It's just different. I'm different. I don't need anyone to take care of me and I can do anything I want to. Seriously. I've been sitting here at the beach listening to the rain all day, thinking, what do I want to do? And I've got all of these crazy awesome options, it's just a matter of choosing. It's good to feel wanted and needed and also totally synced and networked up to my ears. Yes, I'm sort of cocky and confident, but it's a good place to be. I've got some amazing things coming up and I have every reason to feel hopeful and excited. Although I feel really good about who I am and the things I've been working on, I also feel extremely grateful for the opportunities I've been given and the people in my life who have helped make it real. It didn't happen overnight and it took a tremendous amount of work to be where I'm at, right here, right now. I'm glad I did this. I think it saved my life in a lot of different ways.

Mt. Lam Lam

2011-03-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

It's 4am and my body lies still, hoping I won't get up. Flash forward to pitch black darkness in the jungle as I put my hands out in front of me in an attempt to navigate and protect my face from bladed grass that towers over my head and obstructs the trail. The single light of my headlamp catches random shiny objects; a spiderweb draped across the trail, a frog waiting patiently for its next meal. I feel the cold sensation of clay-infused soil between my toes. I hear something rustle in the bushes and my heart jumps for a minute. What are you so scared of? Lets find out. I turn off my headlamp and everything goes black. I can't see my own hand stretched out before me so I squint and look up and as my eyes adjust, I see that I've been surrounded by stars all along. They bring me comfort and I move on.

The trail gradually begins to open up and I see the rippled outline of mountains that eventually collide with ocean. As I reach the summit, huge white crosses stretch out before me, placed here by the Catholic church every year on Easter. By the time we reach the top, the sun is just starting to come up. I sit at the highest point on Guam and watch as the clouds make way for the sun. This is Mt. Lam Lam, the tallest mountain in the world. The catch is that only 1,300 feet sits above the sea while the other 37,000 feet stretches below the ocean and deep into Marianas Trench, the deepest part of the world's oceans. It's almost too much to take in. I gaze out at the ocean as the clouds make way for the sun and I look up at the crosses, glimmering with the morning dew and in that moment find complete solace in the idea that most things in this world are much bigger than me. I look outward if only to bounce off the clouds and reach within, soaking in the view, while telling myself, "don't EVER allow yourself to stagnate." Moments later we make our way back to where we started, except in the morning sunshine, nothing is as it was before.

Running Wild

2011-03-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

"I like planning my day and my life around my runs and I don't see that changing."
-Meghan Arbogast

sometimes it takes a village..

2011-03-04T12:50:00.001-08:00

I've fully adopted my family on Guam. I want to put them in my pocket and keep them, but unfortunately that's really difficult to do with Chamorros. I must say, I don't think I ever really understood what a village was until I started living in one. I love my new adopted family. My Guam Mom calls me Chels and it's no longer weird to greet her with the customary kiss on the cheek out of respect. She's feisty, yet loving to everyone in the family and I feel like I've known her forever. Yesterday we had breakfast and in the evening we all went out to a movie. We took up the majority of the theater and I felt pretty at home wedged in between my adopted brother and sister, passing the popcorn back and forth giggling and having a good time. Afterwards, as I walked out of the theater, my Mom thrust a dollar in my hand and said, "PLAY SOMETHING!" so I went with my adopted siblings and played a couple of video games even though I'm terrible at them. Family is very important here. If family calls, you drop EVERYTHING. You talk to your family EVERYDAY because it's seen as extremely rude not to and family events are MANDATORY, but they're also really fun, so it balances out. On Guam, family is NOT an obligation, it's your life, plain and simple.

I also find the gendered aspects of family here extremely pertinent to my studies of the matriarchal system and gender. Women tend to run the household and I find the village system here very similar to some Native American tribes I've read about in the past. The family compound here is huge, complete with a baseball diamond and a bunch of houses that are all very close to one another. For instance, my aunt can do her dishes and gaze out at her sister's house. Everyone shares what they have. My Guam Mom who is a nurse summed it up when she was telling a story about one of her patients that passed away who happened to have a prosthetic leg. She asked the family if they wanted to donate the leg to the hospital and the family insisted they keep it just in case someone else in the family might need it some day. The likelihood of such is extremely slim, but it just goes to show how things are kept here for future generations and given when needed. People on Guam are good about being thrifty when necessary and planning for the future. I've heard a lot of stories about what past generations endured to provide for their families and it's interesting to see how far my family on Guam has come. I'm fortunate to be with a very established family where it seems like everyone on Guam is either an uncle or aunt and the connections are plentiful. There's a remix currently playing on a the radio that's kind of a Guam version of a popular song in which the singer jokes, "I don't know if we're related, but I just want to date you," and that's how it is. If you meet someone with the same skin tone, you have to talk family lineage before anything else because that will determine what kind of relationship you have.

I find it interesting in that it's very different from my own experience. Things here can be very tight knit as far as private life is concerned, but can also be very accommodating and welcoming, characteristic of the island life. I've met a lot of people and I've noticed that if I'm talking to someone from Guam, once they find out I'm not military, they seem a lot more open as if by telling them I'm not military I'm also saying, "I have other connections. I don't need to colonize your island in order to enjoy it." Maybe this is all in my head. Such things are highly political and although people joke about the pesky Japanese tourists and the military, which owns 1/3 of the island, Guam kind of depends on their abuse in order to economically sustain itself, which is deeply troubling. My friend and I have been having a lot of late night talks brainstorming the variety of ways Guam could be more self-sustaining and there are a lot of ways, it's just hard when the military has such a vice grip on this tiny island. It's rather unfortunate because Guam has so much potential in a lot of different ways. Regardless, I've really enjoyed the little glimpses I've gotten of the culture that's hidden beneath all of the Western influence and horrific history. The villages are vibrant with their own unique language, foods, culture, history, and traditions. It's something most tourists never get to see because they're too busy hanging out on the strip in the air conditioned comfort of Gucci. I think it's set up that way on purpose to protect and segregate what little Guam has left, but regardless I feel fortunate in that I've been able to dig deeper and discover the family networks that are really the backbone of culture on Guam.

love in black & white

2011-02-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

take my hand! I'll NEVER LET GO!

wait, so if I'm gilligan.. then you are.. wait, dude? where'd you go?

i'll be mary ann, dan can be the skipper since he was an eagle scout.

dude, wanna go swimming? you read my mind...

adopting the island life

2011-02-26T03:47:00.000-08:00

it's all about the little things

today.........

sitting in a tree, listening to the turquoise ocean, gazing at hundreds of butterflies.. their spots are a soft purple, their black wings smooth like velvet.

attending my little sister's rugby game, prime time for a nap in the sunshine after a run on the beach.

taking a baby animal and holding it close to my chest, feeling its tiny heart beat rapidly against mine. you, my friend are a tiny baby goat with a tiny round belly that must be made of sunshine, but you don't know what you are yet; for all you know you could be anything, which makes us one and the same.

watching my adopted dad put together a necklace for me as he tells me the story of the fossils that are the shells he delicately strings together with large callused hands that have many stories to tell.

getting on a scooter and zipping around the village with my good friend who is more like family now. feeling the wind whip through my hair as boonie dogs nip at our ankles, laughing off the fear as we make a u-turn at the family baseball diamond, then quietly making our way past casper's memorial, whose life was taken much too soon by the war, the coconut trees swaying mournfully in a soft iridescent breeze.

attending my first fiesta, many kisses on the cheek, greetings, smiles, food; I feel a soft hand on my shoulder and turn to see the priest, my friend's uncle, the world's father, the reason for this fiesta and I congratulate him on his 75th birthday. many family photos are taken and I am summoned to each and every one, pulled tightly into the family circle and I feel loved and protected, the buzz of celebratory music fading with the sunset and ending one of those days that I know I will never forget.

---
simple questions are often the hardest to answer..

"where are you from?"

I have paused for a brief moment during a run on the beach to climb over some coral in my bare feet when I am approached by a curious couple and for a minute I can't think. I feel the sweat of my workout sliding down my spine and for reasons unknown, I'm thinking first in Chinese,which makes me wonder how I often I think in Chinese without realizing it, but then I realize I'm not in Taiwan, and they are looking at me expectantly, and all that I can come up with is, "Ummmm.." as I rummage around in my brain and desperately try to remember where I'm from, the English word for where I'm from, while also trying to not act like a total weirdo, but I'm in an enordorphin-induced trance, so I'm failing on all accounts and it feels like a long time before I remember the word, "AMERICA." ........ duh. Later that night, I discover my neighbor is a runner from Taiwan and I have no problem slipping back into Chinese without skipping a beat and I can't help but wonder what the hell I have this skill for... why it is I can pick up a guitar or a cello or a language and regardless of the time that has passed from when I used it last, it feels like home to me.

BEND

2011-02-21T15:01:00.000-08:00

I just got offered a spot on a team of speedsters racing this in August (a week after the PCT 50 which I'll be doing) and accepted without a second thought. It's in Bend! I've always wanted to race in Bend!! HELL YES. WHAT WHAT! I actually got up and did the happy dance when I received this offer. Sweet deal.

acting with intent

2011-02-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of registering for the Where's Waldo 100k in August and the Pine to Palm 100 miler in September. I'd also like to go sub 9-hour at the PCT 50 in July and maybe become a marathon maniac in the process. I also just emailed a monastery in Taiwan about staying for a week or so next month to engage in some silent meditation and reflection. I'm finally up to 10 miles in the heat.. which for Guam means 90 degrees with 85% humidity. It brings me to my knees, but opens up my heart, which beats rapidly with an intensity I haven't typically engaged with on a daily basis before. It's like training at high altitude. I'm hoping I'll tear up the gorge as a result. When my core feels like it's on fire, I typically dive into the sea and float around on my back like an otter. I think I was a dolphin in a past life. Such is the juxtaposition and conflict of my past lives, however, it's nice to be certain of myself in my current existence. Yesterday I ran to a little bamboo hut overlooking the sea and as I was sitting, thinking, meditating, being, thoughts of "I should get back" kept popping up and I know I'm really getting somewhere because for once, I replied,

"It can wait."

This moment means more than an infinite amount of "should's" and "could's" and worthless, minuscule obligations. Yesterday, as I was running strongly downhill where I had once suffered, I thought, hypothetically, I can reach out and grab imaginary numbers and goals. I can tell myself I need to be this way, act this way, do this to be that.. but if my intentions aren't coming from within my heart, they mean nothing. I can't assign something worth based off of numbers. I shouldn't have to be a certain weight to run a certain time or live in a place for one year or two years because it's my own imaginary ideal that will give me.. what? Nothing. That's the thing. Creating goals based off how I think I "should" act is bullshit and I'm calling myself out on it and restructuring the way I think and swapping it how for the way I feel. So if I want to run 100 miles to spend some time in the forest or run 62ish miles and takes breaks to jump in the surrounding lakes, I'm going to do it. On the flip side, if I don't want to commit to a previous plan of action or if something isn't working out as I had envisioned, I'm going to restructure the plan until I come up with something that suits my heart. If anything, that's what the ocean has taught me. You can't change the way the waves will come in, but as I'm sure some surfer probably pointed out at one time, dude, you can go with the flow.

Guam: a playground for grownups & Japanese tourists alike.

2011-02-19T05:47:00.000-08:00

freediving

2011-02-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

Freediving is amazing. It's straight down headfirst, I'm falling, I'm flying, I'm living, I'm dying, sort of thing. It's kind of like surfing in that it requires committed explosive action and total trust in oneself. Today I couldn't get enough and I kept going further and further out and down and everything was so blue and a barracuda winked at me as if to say, "what the hell are you doing out here?" I think I inherited my Grandma's love for the water.

Yesterday I ran barefoot along the beach and then at the end spontaneously leaped into the ocean, floating around on my back like an otter, completely content and at home. I LOVE surfing and snorkeling and diving, but I'm looking forward to getting scuba certified because I can't seem to get enough of this untapped world. I'm sore, I'm sunburned, and sort of cut up from surfing and coral and such, but I can't wait to get back out there. Must be love.

this is what it's like

party

2011-02-12T05:05:00.001-08:00

snorkeling

2011-02-12T05:05:00.000-08:00

Guam part deux

2011-02-12T04:55:00.001-08:00

GUAM

2011-02-08T01:47:00.001-08:00

sunset in manila

2011-02-08T01:45:00.001-08:00

looks can be deceiving, the philippines was INSANE.

I LOVE SURFING!!!

2011-02-04T07:43:00.001-08:00

as in... New Zealand

2011-02-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

I said I could be available for a face to face interview in April.. and that my work holiday visa was in process. Oh my God!!! WHAT AM I DOING?!!! AHHHHHHHH.

new investment; replacing luggage w/ pack

2011-02-01T23:59:00.001-08:00

Awesome new bag, awesome new friend!! It's really a win all around. I'm totally stoked. I see myself taking this all over the world in places I've always wanted to go. It feels like a giant step in the right direction and I'm totally giddy with excitement. This is all I plan on taking to Guam with me, which will be a nice way to test it out.

random movie I made for family

2011-01-29T05:23:00.000-08:00

Crazy Energy

2011-01-25T04:37:00.001-08:00

Planning for the next year and trying to come up with a plan, but things are changing on a daily basis. At the moment, I'm thinking I would like to make enough money in Guam and Hawaii to apply for a working holiday (one year) in New Zealand. (I almost have my host sister convinced to switch from a working holiday in Australia to a holiday in New Zealand with me: "did you know the crocodiles in Aus are 12 ft. long and they're currently swimming in peoples backyards?! That means they could eat two of you and still feel hungry!!")

Later.. grad school at University of Denver: one year of studies + two years of Peace Corps (in Mongolia?)= masters degree.

After that... who knows. United Nations? Stanford Law School? Rule the world?

I really like Taiwan, but I'm not ready to settle down. I'm itching to see the world. Regardless, I'm feeling highly adaptable and fortunate and all of those warm, fuzzy things which I'm ever so grateful for.

A day in Formosa, the beautiful island of Taiwan..

a world within a world

2011-01-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

Quiz: Is this Europe or Taiwan?...

到了

2011-01-18T00:46:00.000-08:00

Korea

The view from my friend's balcony in Taipei

Korea is a wondrous winter wonderland at the moment. Taipei is beautiful and even more vibrant than I remembered.

The Magician

2011-01-10T12:25:00.001-08:00

This snapped me out of it. I woke up at 2am right on schedule for another insomnia-filled night when I got this email or gift rather from my good friend in Japan. She's recently started painting Taro cards and sent me the magician to remind me that I can do anything.. In her own words, the magician represents,

"cups...emotional life and creativity
wands...enterprise, growth, development
pentacles...explore your material and financial worlds
swords...Action, power....etc
he has all the tools there, he has a choice of whatever he want to make it happen. Just like you!"

I took those words and immediately fell into a deep sleep at which point I had a dream that I went to Japan to visit this friend and I loved it so much I tore up my return plane ticket. A sign?

The next day I went on a run and found my mind wandering in an attempt to sabotage my run when I saw an old abandoned school bus in a field that had spray painted on the side, "NOW IS ALL YOU HAVE."

I thought, right, now is all I have. This is it. This moment. I might as well just focus on the now and see what happens, since I am the magician after all..

忙死了

2011-01-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I was on the Max for what seems like the millionth time recently and I gazed at my reflection, gently swaying back and forth with every sharp turn, feeling like a ghost. I'm seeing my life in flashes. One minute I'm reading and drinking tea, the next I'm on the max and hopping into a friends car and in a beautiful home surrounded by brilliant doctors discussing current events and I'm holding my own.. barely. One minute I'm opening my eyes staring into the darkness, the next I'm finishing up another difficult run with a newfound very fast friend, icy dreadlocks brushing up against my skin and I'm thinking, where did this person come from? Since when do I train with staff sergeant marathon winners and have such grown up successful friends? I told my Grandma, maybe I should become a doctor, and she said silly girl, and I said, okay, maybe a lawyer to the doctors and she said, that sounds more like it..

Everyday is a totally new day and I'm never really sure what's going to happen next. I feel like I'm swimming in the ocean and instead of drowning I'm sort of just drifting with the waves, trying not to tense up and just take it as it comes. I've got a wonderful team of people who are very willing to share their knowledge and time with me and that helps. I feel fortunate, not necessarily for the things that I have, but mostly the people in my life and my good health, two things definitely worth preserving at all costs. I've learned a lot. Whenever good friends or family makes excuses for why they can't do something, I find myself asking, what do you have to lose? Right now is all you have. As for me, I'm trying to make the most of it.

i am a runner

2010-12-31T16:19:00.001-08:00

21 miles with friends on the trails. good god. it was so astoundingly beautiful, i was so 150% exhausted. met incredible people and reconnected with old friends. the connections!! the lines! the.. everything. perfection. a dance. wonderful. the last mile was epically long and when we got to the finish i flopped down onto the gravel on my belly like a fish out of water until i looked to my left and mumbled, "is that food over there?"

i've run everyday for the last three weeks and squeezed in four 20+ mile runs in that time period. i've run with some really wonderful people that hate to see me go and i hate to leave and i've got so much here and so much there and i get the feeling i'm going to be in between for a while as i struggle to find my place. it's not that i don't have one, it's that there are so many options and i'm just in love. i'm in love with this life and the people that fill it. they're the color to my black and white and i feel like i've got so much love and so much patience and can't we just talk? take our time? go for a run?

i'm very lucky. i'm very tired. i look forward to the many adventures to come. i'm not done here. i said, you're not getting rid of me just yet, and they said, we know. good, glad we're clear on that.

wow, what a day.

need I say more?

2010-12-28T21:11:00.001-08:00

happy new year

2010-12-28T14:08:00.001-08:00

Landed another job with a U.S. based company looking to expand globally!!! I'm still learning about what this entails, but basically they (we?) help scientists publish their scientific findings and patents. So far I've been "given" Taiwan as a sales rep, however with my goal of learning Japanese and perhaps moving to Japan, my role within the company might very well expand to a variety of tasks including translation and other things. Contracts are rolling in. It's happening so fast, my head is spinning. My other boss in Taiwan is requesting my Chinese resume and cover letter, so this morning as I was trying to translate my resume (and keep the cat from laying on my laptop the little bugger!), I was also chatting with new and old friends alike, while emailing my new bosses. OMG. All of this while in the midst of moving and running and trying to do things to the best of my ability. I've been extremely fortunate. Hard work does pay off. More to come, certainly.

"I'm freaking out."

2010-12-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

The days are sort of blurring and I've been very busy and yet strangely happy. My brain feels alive and awake and my legs are strong and steady. There are endless butterflies in my stomach, but it's all sort of manageable.

Yesterday I woke up at 4am and had two cups of espresso. I knew I had a 20-mile run ahead of me with a very fast lady and having NEVER run 20 miles on a random Wednesday, I knew I needed to prepare accordingly, especially after just having run 20 miles with friends a few days prior. I arrived at 5:59am and we set off in the dark down to Forest Park, chatting away. Recently, I've sort of become extra aware of how awesome my friends are and the conversation flowed accordingly. Brilliant. I've never run on the trail in the dark before but it wasn't hard and the sunrise was stunning and before I knew it we were at 15 miles and it wasn't even 9am.

We laughed and played and smacked cars and every topic imaginable was covered in three hours and after a variety of hills, we found ourselves back where we started, a bit over 20 miles later, and yet somehow changed, most likely bonded for life as most runners find themselves after running together. A giant coffee and scone afterwards was just what was needed and delicious indeed. I came back to the home of the moment (no permanent residence for now and strangely loving it) to a variety of emails and before I knew it I was off on my bike, with my life in my bag. I rode all around, legs not in the least bit sore, had lunch with a different brilliant friend and arrived at my next home of the moment to discover my Kindle waiting for me.

I love this thing

I played with the Kindle for a while and then was invited out to dinner with a different friend, so we had Thai food and later cake for desert and I made tea and we passed the Kindle back and forth and had a good laugh as to why my toenails are all black (I came to the conclusion that they're not black so much as "stained") and I went to bed thinking I just had breakfast, lunch, and dinner with all different people and doesn't it feel good to be so flexible? Do I appreciate it more because it's temporary or because I'm living exactly as I want to? Am I nervous because I'm worried this is the peak of my happiness or because I know this is the beginning of something huge?

At the end of the 20-mile run we were all smiles and it didn't feel like twenty at all and later at the coffee shop a lady remarked, it looks like you two are about to do something hardcore, to which we responded, we just did. So I guess that's where I stand. Am I about to do something difficult or have I already done so by making a clear and distinct decision to live with intent? I think it's an ongoing process and I'm learning that there's no need to rush because there is no ultimate destination. It doesn't matter if throughout the process I return to where I started because regardless, the journey will have changed me and therein is where the real learning occurs.

I swear there's a brain in there

2010-12-17T08:51:00.001-08:00

Devin: Have you got your visa yet?
Me: No, they just sent me back my passport and a receipt for the visa. :(
Devin: Have you opened your passport?
Me: ..... uh.... hang on.
....
Me: I'M SO STUPID!!!... No non-extendable stamp!!! It looks great!!
Devon: WOO HOOO!!!

Multiple entry extendable visitor visa. It's kind of like gold. I had to write a bunch of letters to get it and provide essentially my life story sans a few key details and eventually I was given exactly what I wanted. Here I was moping around when everything I wanted was right in front of my face!! Interesting how things work out sometimes.

harder *not* smarter